What's wrong with me today?

Just a daily rant, sighs and complains.. =P

First..I've been studying like a nerd..haha..which is a good thing..I can understand lecture more than 80% today..and I've been nerding for maths test tomorrow for quite a while now..The priority to study is somehow very high today..
It's really weird though..I never cared bout my studies for the whole sem =P

Oh..I hurt someone..damn
I am a bad guy! lol..srry yea
Again..I'm a damn stubborn, harsh, ignorant..............guy haha

Not tired at all..why ar? I didn't sleep in class today..lol..now it's almost 3am..I don't feel like sleeping...still have the study mood..but I better get some sleep ^^

I listened to TVXQ or DBSK a lot today..their songs are awesome =D
It's sad the band got disbanded..A fight maybe?

Hey YOU...Pls stop promoting ur blog in my shoutbox..Annoying pests =.="
I dun wanna follow a stranger's blog..isshhhh
I know who the person is..I hate people who keep themselves anonymous in their blog..
For what..ur face too ugly? Zzz...
And I saw some stupid post..oh man

I wanna sleep already...That's why I'm writing crap..hehe..Goonite~

Time to get real

A note for myself..It's time to wake up

Well..haha..I gotta stop living in my fantasy world and bullshitting stuffs (etc: Love)

Sorry friends who entertained me when I was living in my fantasy world..I think it bores them..I had fun though..all kinds of fun lol..I'm crapping again

I got too caught up on something and I held on to it..Until this few days..I finally let go of the insane thoughts and desire..

Now I fully let go of the desire to love someone and to be loved..yeah yeah it is an amazing feeling..

but I guess it can wait for now..

Time to be realistic..I know what I did was immature and bla bla..

You know what? I didn't really care..It's ok to do new things once a while hahah

Letting go of that topic..which I really don't want anyone to question too detail about it..What I told is just about what I want to tell.

Hmm..I wanna write about the dream I had the other day

I had a noon nap till around 8pm..

The dream started when I enter the lift with my roommate..Hmm..I think his existence didn't really matter cuz I can't connect his presence to any significant meaning

The lift went up the 1st time..it stopped at the top floor..but goes down without opening the doors..Same thing happened when it reached the lowest floor..It went up again..

This time the lift goes down by falling..I was listening to my ipod when I realised it's going down way too fast!

I began to scream a little..but then I thought of something..

Death wasn't something I was afraid of

I bowed my head and prayed..I realised it was too late to ask for forgiveness..I didn't want to end in Hell..It scares the hell out of me!

When the lift almost reach the lowest floor..I thought it would land with a crash..but it slowed down and stopped..but then..it went up again..

I woke up..

My roommate woke up too..I sent some messages..

Then I cried..It was uncontrollable..and my roommate saw that =.=..how embarrassing..

He asked me questions but I couldn't answer as my throat felt like it's choking..

It was pretty funny that he thought I was possessed when I suddenly cried..haha!

Gosh..the idea of going to hell..My genuine fear..

Well..it's pretty obvious God has sent me a vision and I interpreted it..He gave me chances..that's why the lift goes up and down..being in the lift is like being trapped in my sins..I never got free of my sins..So the doors never opened

I went out of my room to have a bath..but I was caught in a hearty talk with my house-mates..At first I was pretending to smile..It got better after that..They are very nice people =)

I have to stop my habit of putting a mask on whenever I'm unhappy..It makes me feel so fake..

Hmm..i gotta say..I'm improving at it

I'm Ron..I don't want to be an emo guy in the eyes of people =D

Anyway! Currently I have no internet access in Setapak..which sucks big time =.="

lol..and I had my midterm test for Basic Electronic...I finally get to feel how it's like to hand in blank papers...It feels pretty much crappy, horrible, vegetable and horrendous..haha~

1 good thing about the test..I already know my result for it

FAIL

I know pain in the heart..It leaves a scar

Well yeah..I've gone through really rough moments..
Those close with me already know what happened..Zzz..
Yesterday was one the worst day I ever had..I'm obviously still hurting from what happened
but I gotta hide it the whole day just to avoid questions..Yes..I felt like I'm seriously superficial yesterday..I know
I felt so fake hiding my own feelings..but I don't want to let anyone see me hurting
I fell for a person

Well..this isn't really who I am..
I think..I should hide it so that people won't think Ron Foong is such a softie..haha
I knew I would be able to accept it..So i rather hide it and be a man! hahah..lol

Proud to say..I'm getting better d..

What to comment from the experience I had? I enjoyed it alot although it ended fast..and I guess a little experience wouldn't hurt although it isn't normal..hahah

Friends..if u know wht happened..SHUSH!!
I would like it to remain a secret between us =P

Haha..Also..this week I added 2 ppl to the list of ppl who liked me before..A list is fun lol..
Stop thinking I'm perasan ahaha..
Although people like ur looks..it doesn't mean they will like you..or your personality because it's wht matters..I know it pretty well because they say they like you but completely forget about you the next week..as a result, I can't trust a person easily
You are good looking..so?

Oh right..I want to express my dissatisfaction towards a girl in the elevator just now when I was heading home..Kajang..
So she was in the elevator & reached the floor she wanted to get out at..
Me and my roommate's back were facing her and we've got no idea she wanna get out..
After a while she sarcastically said "Excuse me!"
Got out and said to her bitchy mom "They don't let me pass through also!" in an angry tone..
Damn..Wtf right?
Some girls expect just a fierce stare can send a message to boys..I guess this was wht she did..
The mouth is meant to be pursed is it? Or maybe she had a bad day..
This is the problem with some people..Got irritated at random people because they are so blinded with anger..Zzz..
Seriously I will scold her back if she remains in the elevator..Stupid b****!

Sorry bout the harsh language..I'm filled with anger =.=..Can i slap her? isshhh..

It's been quite some time..haha

Okie..i wanted to post about my new life in Setapak..but..I'm lazy to get into that now..haha

It's basically..darn boring compared to PJ life..

I really missed my PJ housemates..just some of them lar..I still hate some of them n swear I'll never live with them again lol..

My life in setapak..i can foresee..that it's going to be a pretty studious life..

but..my roommate makes it much better for me la..if not i'll have break out already living there lol~~

Studying in Utar..whatever la..i don't want to say anything about that

And..I don't feel as sociable anymore..probably because I'm getting too comfortable with my friends..It's hard to keep it up..as there are many group of friends..It's stressful..I don't know why must it be so complicated lar..For instance, my housemates..why can't everyone stick together and stop hating even just a little..Just a little hate shows hostility and it's going to get worse..zz
So there are days I just need to talk to a person..and ignored everyone else because I can't take it anymore..I'm a person who needs alot of time for myself

Oh..I want to express the burden I'm having living in Setapak..

As the houseleader, I cannot be biased..So I have to put friendship aside to settle problems sometimes..sigh~

It's a little problematic because I'm having a hard time to voice it up..So far..no problem arising from many complains I throw at my housemates..I certainly hope none of them hates me cuz I said to them about many minute details >.<

Actually la..the house is very comfortable for me..I like the environment..Just that I hate the tension that arises now and then.

I'm having a bummer..sigh~

I think I like a person

OH yeah! I bought a Nike air shoes..hehe..Yes it is costly..but i think it's worth it because it is just how i like it..haha~~

Rm350 gone..for the shoes I longed for hehe..

It shines under the light..very nice! haha..

Pss: It makes me tall too..lol!

Some parts shining under the light..hehe..my gorgeous babe!

My next aim..A nice watch =D

Starry Starry Night..

Recently I had a few rare chances to stare at the starry sky..

I have always loved looking at the stars..Looking into the night where the vast sea spread out..

Winds blowing me off my feet..

Look at the sky attentively..You'll see them appear..Alas..What you'll see is the beauty of night

I'm completely alone that time..but it's that time I fully felt life is worth living for..

Should i not admit..I'm better off alone

I have much to think about..Perhaps..I could make a difference if I had not done several things

The past haunted me like a neverending nightmare..

I know there's no use thinking about it..

It blinded me of how lucky I am..but i'm never gonna get over it

If there's anybody out there who can save me from myself

I don't know if I'm calling out for you..I'm confused

Maybe I'm still better off alone..

I have dreams I wish to fulfill..Maybe in that picture I'm standing in the city where the beauty is mysterious to me, I'm smiling alone..

Will it be the end of this misery? It's really what I want..but what shall be my next goal?

I've made a mistake..not only one..

Forgive me..if I could not be who you want

True enough..It's not so easy loving me

Friends..will you stand by me?

Maybe you're all I need :)

Dwelling in my thoughts...

I just had a conversation with a friend of mine..

It was rather a good one and honestly I enjoyed it..It struck me that..

Although I had had a lot of conversation since I came to live in PJ..I never enjoyed them much

with exceptions of course for some people here..

Like for some people..It made me really wonder..What is friendship for them?

1 thing..They don't even care if they hurt you

I'm not okay with bullying..can someone smack that into them?

Or is it 2 semester not enough to let them know me enough?

1 guy even go as far as classifying me as no class in his friend ranks in front of me..

I don't really care cuz it's not like he has any class in mine either..

But it really isn't necessary to embarrass me like that..

They were laughing..I don't find it funny at all..

And I get treated as if I'm a driver..

He should know..I do mind..

When I said no..I mean No..

I don't owe that person anything..but he said i do..

He said he accompanied me to places..Please la..He was tagging along to buy his stupid stuff..which later on found out wasn't working..

And that trip made him say..I owe him..

He owe me months of driving his heavy ass for dinner

It doesn't apply to everyone though..Some are wonderful ppl

I was just pissed off by random actions of some ppl

Today while walking home alone..after searching for the book I'd lost..

I called and asked whether 1 of my friend have any idea who has been in the class..

The call ended off with a laugh..not me of course..

I couldn't even smile..

I remember the concern I received once something happened to me way back then when I was in highschool..There will be people asking what happened..Helping me through

Those moments are far gone..I can't seem to accept it..

Yet

Have a Blast...

It's been like ages since I've been updating and reading blogs..

haha..I can't afford to lose some precious hours nowadays..

SERIOUSLY i tell you..I didn't spend time doing pretty much anything except doing assignment & homeworks..and studying a bit..

It definitely felt like I don't have a life..

Yet I chose to write the bottled bits of the thoughts on my mind now ..

So it will be 100% words written down from the bottom my heart..haha

1st thing 1st..Please forgive me if I haven't been replying promptly and keeping in touch although you tried..

I'm seriously busy studying & doing assignment till the extent of having 2 hours sleep a day..

When exactly this storm will be over? =.=

I had never worked this hard during SPM..In the past I would sleep in almost every class..Play online games and did alot of sleeping basically..

Now? I cried because I'm turning into a lifeless person..Facing my educational craps 22/7..

Oh my God..

Anyway..It's pretty much obvious I smile & laugh so less nowadays..I couldn't do it much..

I lost weight..I looked bony..Which my mom hates to see..

I just came back from the New Year reunion thingy with the J4 peeps..

I enjoyed myself and laughed so much during that time..It's a little shocking..!

When we were halfway laughing..I felt soreness in my mouth!

Realisation hit me...I didn't laugh so much nowadays..

Well...Sad but true..only they can make me laugh and smile so much and I kept wanting it..

Another sad truth..I won't be seeing them for probably months?..

God knows how much I wanna see them & talk to them..zz

I had a great time..In the past years I've always celebrated new year..Alone..

I really will cherish this..

I'm getting better with my coll mates..Somehow some of them..Annoys me

Probably it's because they need more time to know what I can't tolerate..the most recent one.. Plain rudeness..If it's supposed to be a joke...It shouldn't be rude obviously..Face this

Oh..there's a pretty amazing girl..I think she's an amazing friend..

I've always thought she was a complex one..but she isn't so much as complicated..It was a rather different discovery haha..

There are many assignment..but I think the reason I'm so busy is that I'm the leader for most of them..Damn...it's unexpected huh?

haha..

Well..I willingly took it because..I'm Bossy..As simple as that! haha

I don't think I have time for Love now..since i prefer sleeping..

Hoho..That day when I was sleeping, I dreamt that I was a gay..chasing after this gorgeous guy ahhaha...So it really made me wonder..What made me dreamt of it?

I'm writing at 3am now..In 1st January 2010...

I seriously can't control my sleepiness already...Goodnight everyone...

Have a blast in the year 2010... :)

Free...

Today at church I fetched 1 of my friend, Mikha..

Upon reaching church, he was asking me to go up to the youth service but I hesitated..

I couldn't decide which service to go and he was like "pressuring" me to go upstairs..haha

So, I asked to be alone..And..I felt this feeling..

That I should stay at the main service..That God has prepared something for me..

I wasn't in a state where I wanted to be alone at that moment..So Gen was there with me..

Gen being there is enough altho we didn't talk much..

So today Pastor Chan spoke words that touched my heart..

I was going through self acceptance..I was actually going to think..

That what the world thinks is okay..for me

I felt like the queer one..Holding sex within the boundary of marriage..in college

Throughout my life..I've been shaped..to think so..

It was shaken when I stepped into college..And watching pond..Is like a normal thing..

But..It has always been a huge taboo in the church and my home...that's where I grew up

Pastor told how the world mindset has changed where foul languages are normality and sex indulgence is a normal thing..

I was wondering..Am I a person supposed to be in the past..Living today?

There comes the realisation..God has never changed..What he commanded..Will never change..

These sins..Will be a barrier between me and the One above..

What he spoke today I can relate to what I'm going through..

I can handle study pressure..but was never able to handle relationship

I am now..Standing up as myself..

I've lost the pressure to fit in the current society..

Like my hair..I dyed it..because I don't want to be everyone..

These are my values..That shall not be shaken

I can smile..when I'm true to myself

Poop!

Well..I'm just going to crap a little..

A little perhaps.. heh..

I've been a little lazy to update lately..Exam stresses me out to no end..Dang..

That busy life started again..And I'm tired :-l

SO..I've been staying in Maple during the weekdays for a few weeks or perhaps a month or so..I didn't keep track..

And of course I had some opinion or I had a little piece of my mind to share..

Living outside is no-problem to me..I can adapt well

Still, there's still something I will not tolerate, will not accept, will not adapt to and..I found out..

It's just like a test..Can you be yourself out there??

With your friends criticizing the things that's a norm to you..

Or perhaps suggesting things to do that is written down in your No list..

I thought I can do well...But it gets on your nerves when someone criticizing the way you do things and the way you are..

Or do things..you HATE

I'm making my 1st point here...Of all the things..I HATE people scolding bad words..

For many people it's normal..

I grew up where people don't swear or say foul words..

Apparently...It was tough for people who thinks foul words is normal to enter a place where foul words is despised by certain people..

Did those people think about how I felt when someone who doesn't swears entering a place where everyone swears?

What can i do? I was brought up to be not comfortable with it

I grew up in a society where sex jokes even...is despised

Suddenly it was a totally different thing..Sex is a normal thing in college?

What? You didn't understand before you make the statement..

I need to adapt to the new environment while holding my values firm..

You are not them..So am I..

And..If you don't start treating me as a friend..I won't...

All i wanted..is this..Just start..or it will just be an awkward unwilling friendship

So i tried to be a friend..I failed miserably..

I was an annoying immature person when I tried to make a person smile..

Why did i do so?..

now i couldn't care less..

Stop judging me..

Although you are everything that I can't accept..I could see a good side of you which I focused on..Instead..you saw..nothing..

It's fine..I can live on

It's normal to complain about roommates..I certainly did & always did that..

I had 2..not-so-hygienic roommate..but whatever...I always scold them for being so..

So I'm labelled as "Tiny and dangerous"

You see..I'm not a simple being..Inside me i might be boiling red but outside might not..

I learnt..I don't like people using me..I might be selfish sometimes..

Unless it is a worthy investment..I will not go all over for friendship..

___________________________________________________

I've got over my previous depression..

I found out after..

It wasn't worth it..Since the smile goes on without me..And I understood that

Now..I need someone to help me understand..Life

I don't want to be selfish, angry, depressed at times and unable to smile..

Going out into the world..I became like that..

Perhaps home..Will be a refuge for me to be selfless, happy..loving life

Which I currently do not

Home will be my home..

and the place where God is..

Christmas is coming soon..The day of the year of which I love the most..

It's not the snow, the tradition or whatever..It was the day God sent his one and only begotten son to the earth..

Which makes me wanna say..Amen

Some things that makes me think..I'm weird

The title had already explained it all lol...Sometimes the way i think or the things i do..
I feel alone but being who i am...I'll just be true to myself by saying and do the things i want and desire..
I would not hide it
I've learnt that there's no prize nor there's any benefits or satisfaction that will come over me if i try to be just like others..

I've attempted to do things i don't like and wearing clothes & accessories that gives me a style almost similiar to the one i looked up on...
In the end I would look at the mirror...Feeling sadness and sorrow having a grasp on my heart..
I would think..What am i becoming into? Who is this?..
Who is this person i'm looking at..?
It was in the past..
Nowadays I would look at the mirror and see exactly who i am..
Anyway, why hide it? if you do would you get something good out of it?

I think it's rather easy to make friends.. I think i'm a part-time loner =.=...
When i'm down..I don't get strength from others.. I just want to be alone at times..
Church is where i do so..
Although i do love having friends.. but going to church is not about friends..
I go every Sunday in hope He will speak something to me for the week..If you keep on busy talking back there..Would you get what He's saying?

I'm not afraid to admit I want to be a father haha~...That's my ambition
I've no desire to become an engineer, doctor, teacher, or whatsoever..
When I was in Form5, they gave me a piece of paper.
On the paper, it's written "When I'm 28 years old, I...."
So I filled it up with "When I'm 28 years old, I'm going to be a father.."
That gave the class a good deal of laughing as they pasted it on the door and many ppl saw it!

This happened when I'm Form5 also, I usually go to uncle Robert's house for the weekly Friday night meeting..
Oh how i missed it!! T.T
Anyway..They were asking everyone's ambition..
That time was the 1st time i decided..my ambition is to be a father..
So everyone gave me this O.O eyes (google eyes) haha..
I want to give what i can't have..to someone..

I was listening to the news just now when this came out.."In a decade's time, the North pole will turn into open sea.. By that time i'll be 28 yrs old! I was thinking..What about M******??(future son's name..daughter haven't think yet xD) Am i going to see my child? O.O

I am totally random...Think of a crazy thing...the next thing you know is i'm doing it already lol..
I hate nails! gosh...it's so so troublesome to cut them..why must they grow anyway =.=
I don't need it! shoo!!

Enough of crapping for today..I'm so proud of myself for enduring the typing of 65pages-fontsize10-withseriousbackache,wristpain-boredom-to-the-max!! It's about 14k of words -.-
It's all Terms and Conditions WTH!!

I just checked my mail and..I didn't realise..Uncle bob sent email with these pic quite some time ago...haha~...those were the days ;)

Uncle Bob was doing "Apa ini??"...lol

In the quietness of the night, in the havoc in the Daytime...He was there with me..I've never for a second doubted it..I could not love enough to compare with Yours to me..

Whisper...

If she would,
If he would,
If they would,
He would run together with them on the beach once again..Carefree and full of sunshine
Savoring every moment and shouting for more..It seemed neverending
He loves every moment of it even by just thinking of it..He shouted together with them, cried and did everything that made him know that he was awfully lucky to have them..
The sun rays on the beach in the daytime that seems so beautiful..
The sun rays in his life..Part of it was them

Nighttime came..It was time to go home..
It was time to part..They all lived in a house for orphans..except he
They continued to have fun..He was not there to join..He couldn't
He left with a heavy heart consoling himself saying it's okay..
There's always another day to have fun at beach again with them, he thought to himself..It would be anytime soon
He was wrong
A day at the beach is hard to come by..

The orphans went to the beach a week after that..They forgot about him
He knew...He said "It was time for me to forget"
In this life of a pitiful, the shadows weeps in his room..
All the flowers beside his bed was strucked with sorrow, the flowers died
As he thought more and more..He got reminded of the times they had..
It was time for him to cherish..
Although the heart broke..Deep inside his heart, he knew they would always be in the same position in his heart..He looked into the night and blessed them

If only she would,
If only he would,
If only they would,
I would

A myth..

In discovery channel, there's a show called "myth buster"..

This thing i'm going to emphasize..Doesn't need those professionals to prove..

Friends forever...

What is the significance of this 2 words if it wasn't true?

I believe it applies to some people in my life..It wasn't alot to count but i know..

I have more than enough to have these 4 people..that I don't think will leave me

These 4 are really close to me...my best buddies

Well..I did not break any friendship..It's always isn't me

I did try..Somehow "friends" didn't even bother to ask/care/reply even

Did not bother to ask me to join

I don't feel like attending reunion..It pains me to be shunt aside

When i did attend..It's as if it doesn't matter..

That's why i declined invitations

There are a few who wanted to know everything about me..But never once did i know about them..Their secret thoughts..Why? They are simply being busybody..

There are some people who asked you who are you to them..You've just gotta answer that they're your best buddy..I'm still wondering why did i said that..Although i know..They'll be gone in a second after everything..They will never turn back and look..

They thought i was happy in my own life...The thing is..I needed them

Now..it's too late..my heart is moulded the way it's battered

These have been running inside my head for the whole day..I just need to let it out..

I want to walk away...at least with dignity

Time...

..There are some things i'm hesitant to tell..

I thought I was strong enough...Clearly I wasn't..I can't stop the time...

It hurts every moment because things happens...

Things that makes me happy..

I'm thinking..Why did I put myself in this situation? I thought it was the right decision..

Instead it hurts me more than ever...It's probably ending this week..This might be the last week..

Or am I making the right decision? It might be worth it to enjoy life as it wasn't supposed to be..Just for what seems like seconds..

Yeah...Life's now isn't what it supposed to be..

If I wasn't given a choice I would not have hurt myself this much..For now it seems too much to bear in my heart..

I did not want this to end..Anything I could do to stop the time..I did give in many things to have it..I would have give my all..I've done everything I could

It was over...I thought it was..

A whole new difference awaits..I do not have the strength to say what I should have said..

I made it seems like I'm okay...I'm not

It's getting heavier every moment..I almost could not hold it any longer..although I did..

I have phobia to being C..Those who knows me well enough would have know that connection thru technology means don't mean anything at all to me..Although it would mean the world to me..If anyone remembers this broken boy

When writing..I was hesitant to say that I need to say that word..

I'm feeling the C...something that I haven't felt for years ever since I found a stronghold..

The thing that means the world to me...Stripped away...I broke into pieces...

Again and again....Broken and hesitant

It was the word..That was once again taken away from my life..

At last...

I concluded...

It was worth it...Definitely

..I've never been so honest in my life